This month I will be discussing a poem by CAConrad, a poet I’m fairly new to, but very much admire. Their recent book Amanda Paradise (2021) is incredibly important aesthetically and politically. Like many of the poets I now read and am engaged with, I first came across Conrad while in grad school, but their style of writing is very much concerned with nature, queerness, and the fringes of society, topics that are not commonly explored in the academic setting. I reviewed Amanda Paradise and would definitely recommend it to anyone who is interested in poetry that pushes the envelope creatively. Conrad’s poems take unique shapes that bring an added layer of depth and dimension to their work. However, because I am unable to duplicate their poem’s shape in this format, I will be presenting just the lines themselves, but it is an absolutely important part of their work and I hope to be able to discuss that aspect of their poetry in future essays.

The poem I’m discussing is called “Glitter in My Wounds” and it’s from the first part of the book; the second part of the book features a series of poems on COVID and are very skillfully written. Because this poem is a little longer, I’m going to focus on resonant sections. Let’s start five lines into the poem: “this morning all I want is to follow where the stone angels point / birdsong lashing me to tears / heterosexuals need to see our suffering / the violent deaths of our friends and lovers / to know glitter on a queer is not to dazzle but to / unsettle the foundation of this murderous culture / defiant weeds smashing up through cement.” What I like about Conrad’s work is the way in which the poet blends stream-of-consciousness, lyricism, and nature elements into their work. It’s a unique fusion, that, paired with their powerful voice, creates excellent poetry that feels very much in alignment with the counterculture consciousness. This poem in particular is about queerness (although that topic is always operating within Conrad’s work), but it is paired with specific images: “stones angels,” “glitter,” and “weeds smashing up through cement.” However, they are not merely weeds, but “defiant weeds.” The poem is immediately made complex by emotion expressed lyrically, “birdsong lashing me to tears” and strong political statements, “heterosexuals need to see our suffering,” “to know glitter on a queer is not to dazzle but to / unsettle the foundation of this murderous culture.” In just a few lines, Conrad is able to make a huge impact on multiple levels. A few lines later, the speaker says “if you knew how many times I / have been told you’re not like my / gay best friend who tells me / jokes and makes me laugh / no I sure as fuck am not / I have no room in my life to / audition for your pansy mascot.” These lines, although humorous to some degree, are poignant because they express a particular type of frustration that is specifically queer (queers can only be accepted by straight society if they are funny), but they also bring in more of the speaker’s voice, which is quite direct and empowered.

Another reason why I like Conrad’s work: they are brutally honest in their poetry. They are not afraid to express their observations and experiences in the clearest way possible. Conrad’s work is refreshing that way. Their poems employ lots of skill and emotion, but they also unapologetically speak intense truths. The speaker shifts subjects slightly in the next few lines: “I met a tree in Amsterdam and / stood barefoot beside it for twenty / minutes then left completely restored…sometimes we need one muscle to / relax so the others follow.” Another unique element to Conrad’s work is its healing component. Conrad engages in ritualistic writing that specifically involves being present in the moment and working with nature. This aspect of their writing gives the poems an energetic charge that feels very psychic and mystical. In the lines above, the readers can get a sense of what the speaker is also about on a spiritual level, which makes the poem even more complex and interesting. Here is how the poem ends: “my friend Mandy calls after a / long shift at the strip club to say / while standing in line for death I am / fanning my hot pussy with your new book / will you sign it next week my fearless faggot sister.” Conrad brings in another voice that also exists on the fringes of society and is also empowered. And that’s the key to the poem, the way it lands on empowerment rather than a desire to be understood or achieve acceptance. The speaker is not interested in that, they are about uplifting themselves and those who are misunderstood or rejected by straight society because their lives are not in alignment with the values of that culture. In this sense, queerness embraces diversity more honestly than straight, liberal society does. This is also what I love about Conrad’s poetry, it’s inclusiveness. They are very open poetically even as they use poetry to push back against systemic violence. I think if there was one poem that encapsulates all of what Conrad does poetically, it would be “Glitter in My Wounds.” It is a very complete poem in that sense. I also think Conrad is a highly underrated poet for the reasons I discussed above. Their strengths as a poet have not been wholly recognized by the literary community or the counterculture, to be honest. Conrad exists in both worlds, and hopefully that will be recognized as a defining feature of their work—they are both literary and radical.

The song I want to discuss this month is Metallica’s “Dirty Window,” from their eighth album, St. Anger (2003). Metallica is an incredibly important metal band; they are part of the Big Four (Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth) who redefined the genre in the eighties. They are also incredibly important because they are probably the only metal band who successfully crossed over into the mainstream in a consistent way (particularly in the nineties). Many metal fans saw this as a disgrace to the metal community, but for me, I think the streamlining of Metallica’s sound was key to their evolution and survival as a band. I am a fan that embraces both the “old” and “new” Metallica sounds. For me, both have their place and purpose. That’s also partially why I’m choosing to talk about “Dirty Window.” It is one of my favorite Metallica songs and it is also one of their most stripped-down songs. That doesn’t mean I don’t like their more complicated songs; I absolutely do. But aside from liking Metallica’s musicianship, I also really admire James Hetfield’s lyrical abilities. To me, he’s one of the most important metal vocalists, and this song showcases his voice in a very compelling way.

“Dirty Window” is definitely not what would be considered a “traditional” or “typical” metal song. It’s riff-driven, it has no guitar solo, and it’s lyrically playful even as it maintains its edge. The song also starts out with a percussive intro, which is different. It features Lars Ulrich pounding on drums in quick rhythmic bursts that carry a strong metallic sound. After that intro, the guitar comes in with a simple, but gritty repeating riff that jumpstarts the song. Through the riff and the drumbeats, an energetic groove is created. It’s heavy and it’s also very catchy. The lyrical structure of the song is also incredibly simple. It consists of two verses, a refrain, pre-chorus and chorus, a bridge and an outro. Here is the first verse and refrain:

I see my reflection in the window
It looks different, so different than what you see
Projecting judgement on the world
This house is clean baby, this house is clean

Am I who I think I am? (3x)
I look out my window and see it’s gone wrong
Court is in session and I slam my gavel down

Between the first verse and the refrain, the song slows down a bit to emphasize the groove, which actually makes the song feel even heavier than it already is, just by employing a simple riff and drumbeat. Lyrically, Hetfield couldn’t be more brilliant. His tone is a bit ironic and playful, but still very serious. This tone shines through particularly in the last line of the first chorus: “This house is clean baby, this house is clean” (it absolutely is not clean) and the last line of the refrain: “Court is in session and I slam my gavel down.” What I love the most about the last line is how he slows it down and emphasizes the words at the end of the lyric: “Court is in session and I / slam / my / gavel / down.”

As groovy, heavy, and tongue-in-cheek as “Dirty Window” is, the power of the song truly exists in the pre-chorus and chorus. The song becomes a little bit lighter as the guitar and drums back off a bit and become bittersweet as Hetfield sings the pre-chorus: “I’m judge and I’m jury and I’m executioner too.” He sings the line twice, and at the end of the second go-around, his voice builds back up to full volume as he sings the chorus, which is nothing but pure language play: “Projector, protector, rejector, infector / Projector, rejector, infector, injector, defector, rejector.” I want to back it up just a bit here. When Hetfield sings “I’m judge and I’m jury and I’m executioner too,” the word “too” has more than one meaning. The lyricist of the song is all three things rolled into one (judge, jury, executioner). However, he is also saying “I’m entitled to make judgements too. This is where the song gets complex on a political level. Up until this point, the song was incredibly ironic and playful, but here, the lyricist is making a deeper point: who has the right to judge? The lyricist knows he’s not innocent, but neither are those who typically operate as judges, jurors, and executioners. In the eyes of the lyricist, no one is innocent, so he is instituting himself as a sentencer and a punisher. It’s both anarchic and poignant, and helps add to the lyrical punch of the chorus, which are words that are suggestive of guilt and corruption.

Metallica has received a lot of (well-deserved) accolades over the years, but I don’t think James Hetfield has been wholly recognized for his lyrical contributions to metal and rock music in general. In my mind, he has been one of the definitive metal/rock vocalists since Kill ‘Em All came out in 1983. And to be honest, no one quite sings the way he does, which could easily be said about most elite vocalists, but his tone alone is incredibly unique: it’s powerful, intimidating, sexual, and playful. To me, Hetfield is a brilliant vocalist because he very naturally walks that fine line between seriousness and playfulness without losing his edge one bit. That’s not easy to do. At the end of “Dirty Window,” he sings “I drink from the cup of denial / I’m judging the world from my throne” which are well-known sayings, but it’s the way in which he sings them that’s significant. He wails them from the position of someone who’s been judged and punished. He’s appropriating the lines as a way to achieve empowerment. I imagine the lyricist of this song as a criminal himself turning criminal logic on its head—the societal lens would look much different if charged criminals were permitted to exercise the power of the law. And that’s what I like about this song; its playful and speculative nature—yes, I’m guilty, but what if I was the judge, the juror, the executioner?

When I think about what CAConrad and Metallica have in common, the first word that comes to my mind is boldness. Neither the poet nor the band are shy in their creative expression. And there’s a lot of empowerment that comes from being bold. I also think that the poet and the band are playful but still manage to get very serious points across. It’s easy to overlook that type of skill even if it’s hard to pull off successfully. CAConrad and Metallica do it with great ease. As strong lyrical voices, Conrad and Hetfield still have not been fully appreciated in their artistic mediums. I have had the benefit of listening to Conrad read their poetry and I have seen Metallica play live. CAConrad has a very commanding voice, but it’s not overwhelming, it’s inspiring. As impressive as Metallica is on a musical level in a live setting, Hetfield’s vocals are equally as impressive. Another common feature is the way in which Conrad and Metallica both operate from the fringes. In Metallica’s case, the band has received tons of attention and have enjoyed mainstream success, but their musical subjects have always been consistently focused on what exists outside of normal society: horror, darkness, the downtrodden, and the rebellious. CAConrad’s work is mostly focused on queerness as a source of empowerment that is inclusive and does not require the acceptance of straight society in order to flourish. The poet and the metal band show others how to create their own systems of understanding and expression outside of societal norms. CAConrad and Metallica are as powerful as they are because their identities for the most part are self-made even if they were created in opposition to contemporary American society. Like all excellent artists, they shaped themselves.

August 7, 2023