God, Part II

Once I got into college, I became agnostic. I spent many years not really sure if there actually was a God and I flirted with atheism a bit. I stopped believing in Heaven and Hell. Even though this generated a lot of cynicism within me at the spiritual level, it was necessary. I saw humanity differently. Through the non-denominational Christian lens, people fell into two categories: saved and unsaved. This created a different type of anxiety—the need to save everyone. When I entered agnosticism, it evened things out for me. I saw different shades of belief, and in this way, God—who I was still doubtful of—at least became more complex and less gendered. However, I never lost my love for Jesus. He went from a savior to an excellent example of how to live more compassionately. When I detached Jesus from all religious contexts, he became a man who loved people no matter what, who died because he defied the religious dogma of the time and the Roman empire. He became a radical, which made me love him even more. I came back to spirituality after my divorce (and achieving sobriety). But I adopted a new view of God that has served me well—God as a universal force. I believe in the universe as a collective of powerful energies that operate through nature. As a result, I’ve become nature-oriented, and I see myself as a woman connected to the universe, which goes beyond earth, and includes all planets, stars, and galaxies. Looking back, I think God probably saw me as an innocent girl doing the best she could given the circumstances. God saw me as being under the influence of systems—church, school, government, etc. He also saw me as being a female in a masculine-conceived world. He saw how lonely I was, and scared, and so He sent me Jesus, who became my light. Then He saw me enter college and become consumed by doubt. So, He brought me a better version of Himself—the universe, which is nonjudgmental and refreshingly anarchic. He brought me nature and love. He knew, when I was a kid, that I would eventually liberate myself from the true evil—systemic oppression. God eventually showed me His true face—and it’s both masculine and feminine. It’s an energetic force that speaks to me in a language I can understand—the language of unconditional love.